"The Story of Us - Part 7"

Hello y'all!
Tomorrow, January, 18th, Dan and I will be celebrating our 5th Wedding Anniversary! BUT, this is our 4th wedding anniversary post in english! This is a translation of the same post in portuguese that I first posted on January LAST YEAR. Yes, I'm planning on writing the post of our 5th anniversary but first I have to translate this one! Call me lazy, I'll admit it!

Ps.: This is a translation but I couldn't help but change something here and there! And I actually added a couple of paragraphs! So you might want to read it again even if you have already read the original portuguese post (click here for the original, one year old post in portuguese.)

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Like I said on my last post, on January, 18th Dan and I celebrated four years of marriage!!! =)

I decided, therefore, to share one more part of "The Story of Us" post series. For those of you who don't know to what I refer, right at the beginning of this blog I posted the WHOLE story of how Dan and I met each other and how we ended up dating. I divided the story in 6 parts and during that time I had plenty of extra free hours in my day and energy to write all of my posts both in portuguese and in english! That's so not the case anymore! For those of you who might be interested, I'm posting the link for each of the six posts of "The Story of Us" series. I'll also ask you to ignore my many english errors. It's been a long time since I wrote those posts and I would like to believe that my english improved considerably since then, although I'm sure I still have "bad english days"(something like "bad hair day"? You got it!) and even my "good english days" are far from perfect!

"The Story of US" - part 1"
"The Story of US" - part 2"
"The Story of US" - part 3"
"The Story of US" - part 4"
"The Story of US" - part 5"
"The Story of US" - part 6"

But let's get down to business! Actually I've decided to call this post the seventh part of "the story of us" because it's the newest post I write regarding this same subject, but it doesn't follow the same chronological sequence the other six posts share. This time, what I intend to tell is how Dan and I decided to get married!

Unfortunately, Dan didn't ask me to marry him, officially - I mean! So I don't have "Our Engagement Story" to share. I feel kinda sad for myself that we didn't do this way - now that I live in the US - but in Brazil it's really not that common to have it anyway, although it's getting more popular, fact!

It's kinda awesome when you have your man kneeling down to gently ask you in marriage and to get to know what his creativity elaborated for this moment! Specially now that I live in the US and got to know some of my friends' story and even to be present in one of them. And not to mention the beautiful engagement ring the lady receives!!! Who actually can say "no" looking at one of these?? haha (I joke! That's not what I actually believe, don't worry!)

So I didn't have a formal occasion for the moment of our engagement. (But I frequenty make sure to tell Dan every year that he owes me and I'm expecting a moment like this - and a diamond ring - for when we are older.) Yet, when I tell Dan that he didn't officially asked me to marry him he insists that he actually asked me in marriage, indeed. But that's only a half-truth. I'll tell you more about it later! Wait for it!

The bottom line is that Dan and I have always discussed marriage when we were dating. And at my request, we weren't sleeping together, so to discuss marriage it's not an unusual thing in these conditions although it shouldn't have to be uncommon in any circumstances, really! And two people not sleeping together, dating for a reasonable time will naturally be considering to marry with each other. So marriage was in our minds since the beginning!

I told you that Dan insists he officially asked me in marriage. But the whole truth is that we had three occasions more or less like that (without the kneeling down, the fancy dinner and the diamond ring parts, I mean.). And one of these occasions actually happened before we started dating. It was actually kinda of a shock to me and I believe I described this moment at the "The Story of Us" post part 5 or 6 (check the links above).

Fact is that Dan was already 26 years old at that moment and this is NOT an age to leave your "singlehood" behind and start dating someone if you actually don't think the person is a good candidate to marry. (Although, once more, this shouldn't be any different no matter the age, but let's be realistic considering how people are raised nowadays.) But back to Dan. He was kinda tired to always be dating the "wrong" person. By "wrong" he meant the person who you are simply not sure you want to marry one day.

Obviously one have to venture into dating to find out if one person is the "right" or "wrong" for you, BUT that doesn't mean that a previous selection of the candidates isn't helpful. It's helpful and I dare to say it's very important. And there is also the intuition factor (or God-sent intuition factor, for those who believe) that I wouldn't disregard if I were you, my dear reader who is not married yet! I'll go a little beyond that (bordering the mysticism haha) and say that's specially true if it's the guy who is sensing this intuition, not the girl.

It's an intuition that makes you realize (but without all the words to explain it) that THIS person has something different. Something in her/him attracts you very much and it's something more profound that the merely physical attraction (even though you made sure the physical attraction it's present! It's important, you guys and although its importance degree varies, it is "kinda" important!). This person also passed the test of the pre-screening, meaning that nothing leads you to believe that there might be a serious impediment nor a serious flaw that could indicate that the relationship shouldn't even start between you two.

I would say that, if we were to be very honest with ourselves and don't let the feelings "of needy" we might be feeling weigh in on our reasoning, we can know right away if a person it's a possible and good candidate for us. If not right away, within a few weeks, for sure! (ps.: I don't include in this scenario that person who is a pathological "two-faces" and therefore can be really deceiving. On this case, it usually takes longer for the other to realize something is wrong and it might be helpful to always try to know his/her family and friends.)

To always be aware of this intuition factor had helped me a lot in the beginning of any of my past relationships. That's why NONE of them lasted more than between 2 weeks and a month, but with Dan, it lasts forever! =) I'll be more specific. When Dan and I were dating for a little more than a month (so he had passed my usual "relationship deadline") I started to get a bit anxious and in crisis with myself. I remember thinking: "Oh no. I can't see any red flags in this relationship!!! I still like him and even more now than when we started and I can't see any signs that might threaten this relationship to progress, to work out." - I freaked out, you guys, well, because everything was going fine and the way it should be!

But the reason why I freaked out it's that this reasoning also made me realize that Dan and I would - maybe - probably - get married one day! That was it! There would be no more "looking for the right person". He would be the one! But, obviously, at the same time there was this fear that I could be wrong. And what if we are dating for years when we finally realize we are not meant for each other? Can you imagine a broken heart like that? I can't and I must believe it's the worst thing ever to give yourself and your heart so much only to take it back later (even though I've never planned to give myself physically completely to someone before marriage, and it's even more traumatic if you think of all those people who actually do it and then break up!). How can one heart recover from a breakup of a long and profound relationship? It cannot! It's broken, broken!!!!! It will never be the same anymore, I'm sure! (I'm talking mostly about the way I see it). Yes, mistakes make us stronger and make us learn (we all hope) but that doesn't mean that's how things should always be.

So it had come to me the moment of decision. To continue dating Dan (and (1) to marry him, or (2) to have my heart broken eventually if that doesn't work out) OR to break with him right now!! (At that time, I mean!). So I stopped and took a time for reflection! Like a good engineer, I tried to think in all the "variables of my problem". And I found out that my fear was actually that in the future, if Dan and I are still dating, there might be another guy who would make me doubt that Dan and I are really meant to be. (Because there were no other real problems and the fear that Dan could be a two-faces was really minimal, close to nonexistent.)

Well, if that was really all that I was scared of, I had a solution! And I know you are probably going to think that is a cold blood solution and a not very romantic one at all and I agree with you! But it worked WONDERS! My solution was to make a list of all the guys I had a little crush on and to examine all of them in the minimal details. Since the list was considerably large (about 15 guys? lol), I tranquilized myself that even though there might be someone new in the future, I would already had him covered in some way or another with this present analysis. I weighed all the pros and cons of each one of them and sometimes even compared them to Dan. I can assure you it was a very comprehensive analysis and that I was very specific. Enough to make me see that Dan was really the one for me and that I could rest assure and be calm with my decision. And that actually happened! I was tranquil! I never more doubted that Dan had what it takes for me to marry him! It gave me so much peace! A very needed peace! (And if you must know, Dan was aware of this analysis because I told him almost right away! I cannot keep my mouth shut you too must have realized it by now!) So you could see that the thought of marrying Dan was present in my mind like a serious possibility really soon in our relationship! Less than two months into it! And I was incredibly happy about my newest discovery!!

I would like to add two more considerations regarding all this matter that weren't present in the original post but that I feel they can add some value to the whole thing. The first consideration is that I always knew, and so did Dan, that once we were married it would be forever and it wouldn't matter the problems or the people that would come to enter our lives, we would MAKE our marriage work through all things. The second consideration is that I'm not a person who actually believes there is just one person meant for you. I just don't think it's reasonable! And I don't think that's the only actual possibility for a relationship to work. I don't even think God meant this way. Maybe I'm wrong. Or maybe I'm partially wrong. Maybe for some couples they were really meant for each other like no one else could have been.Yes. I do believe there are some cases, a few, like this! But I don't consider it to be of common sense nor do I believe it's a quintessential factor on the process of choosing to marry someone! Because, like I said, once I'm married, I'm married forever! We make it work! Of course it's still true that it's important to look for and to FIND a good fit for you.

I feel I should be honest with you guys. There were some moments (probably PMS moments, Oh, poor Dan!) that I wasn't sure we had it all, but I can finally say, now after these five years of marriage, that I cannot really imagine myself with some other guy (and that not even the strongest PMS would change that!) That Dan is really the one! The one that I chose, that chose me, but sometimes, also THE ONLY ONE! So I guess what I'm trying to say is that marriage really gets better over time, if both parts keep believing on it and keep putting effort into making it work! =)

Wow, that was a long "parenthesis", but we are finally getting back to our actual story! I was going to tell you about the three times Dan and I asked each other in marriage (or kinda of)! The first time happened before we were even dating and I'll briefly described it again. I was tired of starting to date guys just to find out if that would work or not and so was Dan. So, he said these exact words when we were talking about starting to date each other: "If we start dating, I don't plan to end it." haha Kinda scary to hear this, right?? So this was our first not official moment of "engagement", on our very first day of relationship. CRAZY!!!

Then, the second time we kinda asked each other in marriage actually started with me saying all the words! We were dating for about six months, I think. Like I said, we always talked marriage, kids, education of the kids, etc. So during one of these times, we were online chatting through msn and I just let go: "I want to marry you, hahaha" (lols included. I confess I added the "hahaha" because of jitters of the moment). To which Dan kindly and promptly (for my relief) replied: "Me too!!!".

Finally, our third and last time - and probably the one most close to the official american engagement moment (THE one, according to Dan) - came when we were at the airport saying goodbye for the first time! For those of you who don't know it yet, Dan went to the US to complete his graduate studies when we were still dating and I was still in college. So we ended up dating long distance for about one year and a half. What a terribly sad time it was! I hated all of it! But we are ok now, we've managed it, we've been through it and the outcome turned out to be successful. So we were crying and saying goodbye, and between tears he holds my face and say: "We are going to get married! Do you understand it? We are going to get married!" to which I nodded, sobbed, and parted ways (physically, only).

Lastly, I want to tell you about the official and actual start of our engagement that came when I reserved the church for the ceremony! Again in unusual conditions and somehow another crazy part of our story! It was February, 2008. Dan and I had been dating long distance for almost six months already (1.5 years total) and we were once again, online chatting through MSN. Dan would be travelling back to Brazil and staying for a month in just a few days for the first time since he'd left. One of the reasons was that he had his master's defense to present in Brazil and the other one, to reunite with me for some time! After this, he would go back to the US again to continue his temporary work as a lab technician. He would start his PhD in Texas only in August, that year.

We were discussing deadlines and future plans. Between his winter break and his future PhD program schedule and me finishing college and a few other things, we concluded we would have to marry in mid January, next year (aka 2009). There wouldn't be other better time, or not even another doable time, actually. Well, not for at least another six months period after January/09.

With this in mind, I've realized we didn't even have a year ahead of us. And for those of you who already ventured into engagement know that almost every nice place or church is completely booked for at least one year in advance! So one day I was praying with my mom in a church that's pretty popular for weddings (that's another difference between the brazilian and the american style. You get to choose the church you want to get married, usually in the bride's hometown, but you don't have to be a parishioner of that church.) I said to my mom I was going to look - just look -  into the wedding reservations at the parish's office. As I was looking into their reservations, there was no more vacancies for the whole month of January EXCEPT in one day, mid January because there had been a recent cancellation. I freaked out! We HAD to marry in mid January, and there it was: a miraculous opening because of a cancellation. I took that as a God sent sign and booked the church right away, even without talking to Dan first.

And that's how I turned a bride, officially! Booking the church even before Dan was back from the US for the first time after he was gone! We didn't even know exactly how things were going to be between us in our reunion (sure, we had a pretty good idea since we'd talked all the time through webcam. But it surely was a crazy thing to do, nonetheless. I just hope I was successful on explaining what happened that lead me to do book the church so impulsively!

And afterwards, I actually had to cancel my reservation at that church anyway. Because when it was the time to book the place for the reception we couldn't match the day on which we already had the church reservation. In the end, we had our wedding ceremony in my actual parish, with Mass (so not an usual thing in Brazil. even if you really want one!) on a Sunday, at noon, because our pastor was really attentive and sweet with us and my family and he suggested it as a favor when I was telling him about our wedding schedule problems! Much better than anything I could have planned myself or even hoped for! I always remember to pray for him, at his request when I asked him how we could show our gratitude.

So that's our engagement/wedding story! Maybe I will share more details in the future! For now, that's it! Once again I apologize for the huge post!