Ps. May is the month that we catholics traditionally celebrate the Mother of God and our Mother, Mary. Our May crowning constituted of all the adorable kids and moms walking around the church building intoning the praises of Mary (some of them are: Virgin Most Holy, Mother of God, Queen of Peace, etc) followed by the response: “pray for us”. Then one of the kids puts a crown of flowers on a Mary statue and we offer some flowers, like we would do to our own mothers.
Well, before the Mary crowning celebration some of the families attended the 10am mass. Our family was one of the them. If you have been reading this blog for a while you would know that the kids and I always go to church to attend the daily mass. Well, what most of you must not be aware of is that for a couple of months already it has been very tiring and very energy consuming to take the kids with me and trying to make them behave at church. It has become nearly impossible to achieve the latter.
What usually results from this it’s a worn out momma who really didn’t pay any attention to mass, some (just a few, fortunately) cranky people who don’t want to hear my children’s noise AND myself feeling humiliated.
Well, of course! A lot comes to my mind when I’m having a bad day with the kids. Thoughts like: “people must really feel like I’m not doing enough to keep my children quiet”, “people think I’m a really bad educator”, “people question my values and what I’m teaching my children”, “people question my decision to take my kids to church”, “people are getting tired of hearing my children’s noise and blame me for being inconsiderate with others”. And so on.
And what follows all of these thoughts it’s me doing a cranky face. An ugly face. Fuming and huffing. My subconscious must feel that by showing all these faces and huffing sounds I give the message that “it’s not my fault”, “it’s very hard on me too” and “I DON’T AGREE WITH WHAT THEY ARE DOING EITHER BUT I’M REALLY TRYING, OK?!!!”.
And today at Mass, it was one of the worst days so far for me and the kids. And there were so many moms there, I knew everyone could hear us from OUTSIDE the church’s doors. So when the mass and the Mary crowning was over, I still had some of these thoughts in my mind. One of the moms came to introduce herself to me. She had many small children. I said something and she said another, and I could feel we connected. She must be one sweet mom. She clearly seemed to me a good person. And so smiling.
But then comes troll Gabby with her nonsense responses causing everything to go downhill. She complimented Nico on being so cute. To which I respond: “And loud”. She graciously responded although I could feel she was thrown back a little “that’s their job”. I laughed and added the cherry on top to seal the deal “he is very good at it”. The conversation was over right there and the good impression and sympathy she must have felt for me at the beginning probably went out of window. Well, If I was her, I would certainly not have wanted to be friends with someone as cranky as I am and someone who keeps joking about what is not funny at all. Someone who can’t deal with child problems and someone who can’t be nice, actually. Someone who isn’t sweet.
And only today I’ve realized (ok, not only today, it has being happening for a while already) that the message that really gets through when I'm giving away all these signs it’s that I really hate my job. That I regret being a mom. That being a mom, sucks! That I don’t love my children enough to bear with them. And while it might be true that I could work on some more patience and more love, that’s not at all how I feel about motherhood!
I love being a mom and I love my children so much. I could kiss and hug and snuggle them all day. I love their smiles and we have lots of fun together! And I’m not cranky all the time. Possibly not even on the majority of time. My children make me a better person and I don’t regret at all any of it. Sure I would like a lot of things to be different and better. But I’m reasonable enough to understand that no one can achieve that on anything. That’s how life is. That’s how people are!
When I come to think about this, it comes to my mind a small of part of a lyric from a great Brazilian poet singer Caetano Veloso: “Cada um sabe a dor e a delícia de ser o que é.” Meaning “which one of us knows the pain and the delight of being who we are”. Also very true for every single happening in our lives.
That’s why it is so important for me to put on a good face when things don’t go my away. It’s not a matter of faking a joy that I don’t feel. But it is really because I’m not sending the message I wanted to. And that kids are actually great! To have a family is great. The process of educating and forming your child will make you a better person. And that’s good! It’s very good! The love you will feel for your kids will surprise you every single day. The worry for them will determine all of your actions. You'll hurt when they get hurt. You will smile when they smile. You’ll think of them constantly like when we do in the early stages of falling in love with someone.
So yes! I’m not faking at all when I’m trying to put on a good face for others! And as a result, it will also make me a better person. Because all the things that pester me when my children are being - well, children, it’s because I’m focusing on me. In my image. In my lack of patience and self-giving.
I wish I could be more like Amy, the sweet mom I’ve just met. I don’t actually know any more about her. But the smile and sweetness of her voice and the lessons she taught me by not even trying to do so, I hope they will last enough on my mind and heart in order for me to change my temper a bit. My family and friends will benefit from it.
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