Two Simple Parenting Rules
PS. If you are in a hurry, jump to the final part
I have been PMSing for the last ten days and, at the same
time, I’ve been struggling about disciplining my petite - almost 5 years old
–daughter, Rebecca. We had it rough since the beginning of this week but I
guess I have been noticing a sudden change of behavior since Summer School
ended mid-July. As I was telling my mom two days ago through Skype, it seems to me
like she is going through a new phase of misbehavior. We obviously had the Terrible-Twos
misbehavior phase which for us started when she was 18 months and lasted until
she was 3.5y, more or less when she started speaking better. Eventually - and somehow
- I managed to change a couple of things in the way we were doing things and,
more importantly, I changed MYSELF. We rose victorious! We had 1.5 years of a
blessed, peaceful family living!
I don’t want to say that this lull period is over yet! Like
I said, this new misbehavior phase is pretty recent and it doesn’t look as bad
as the Terrible-Twos did and actually were. It might be that Rebecca is just
bored. But even when I manage to fill her day with lots of activities that both
Rebecca and Nico love, which actually happened quite often during this summer,
like going to the swimming pool, going to the museum, going to the playground,
having fast-food for lunch or dinner,
going out for ice-cream, buying their favorite snacks and desserts, blowing
soap-bubbles, getting them a lot of art supplies and activity books, Rebecca
still might act disrespectfully and be ungrateful at the end of the day! She’s
gotten an attitude, and she is acting disobedient and defiant.
That really bothers me! But I guess what really takes me off
tracks is when Rebecca and Nico fight with each other or – even more – when
Rebecca ends up hurting Nico when they are playing roughly and too agitatedly specially
when I have been repeatedly telling her NOT TO JUMP ON MOMMY’S BED!!! And not
to drag Nico into it! And not to hurt him!!!!!
When one of these events happens, I lose it! I don’t spank (except
in very rare cases and not without a lot of previous warnings) but I do scream!
Especially when I am PMSing. I hate it! I feel like the worst person on the
planet! It’s terrible this sensation that you acted like a crazy woman. And
most importantly, I am afraid of scarring my children for life. It is not fair
to them, I know this. I really wish I could always be cool and actually think
before yelling.
Anyway, on tuesday – talking to my private counselor, my mom
– I knew I had to come up with a new plan, for this new challenge. I knew I
could do it! And just in time, tuesday was my recollection day! I know, I
know!!! I always mention my recollections like they are my savior, but it truly
makes a huge impact on my life! I will need these recollections as long as I am
alive! Well, the last recollection not only it wasn’t an exception to the rule, but it
surpassed by A LOT!!!
On an usual evening of recollection we have two meditations
ministered by an Opus Dei priest. In the middle of these, we have a “talk”
given by a lay person and then some questions for an examination of conscious
going over the evening’s theme. Confession times are available throughout the
entire time and the Recollection ends with a Benediction (Adoration).
Even when I don’t find the meditations to be much an
insight, or when I am too tired to focus my attention and I don’t absorb much
content, I consider the night a win when I get to go to confession! Yesterday
they didn’t have a second priest to help with confessions so I didn’t get to go
because the line of people before me was too long. The “talks” are usually
good, with lots of practical advice, but it is not my favorite part, by any
means! Maybe because I rarely find something new! Of course, even when it is something you have heard many
times before, it is still useful to be reminded of them from time to time,
anyway!
So do you want to guess what happened? The “talk” was the
gold of yesterday’s recollection! It was too much of a coincidence! The theme
of the “talk” was precisely about educating and disciplining our children in
virtues!!!! And it started just ok, I guess. The person giving the talk is
usually a bit uncomfortable lecturing to a bunch of people more or less like
herself, as she clearly thinks and acknowledges that she is no master on the
subject either. I am not sure if it pains me to watch the first five minutes of
it, or the opposite, if I actually enjoy observing this pattern over and over
again.
Anyway! Maybe is all in my head! Maybe she is not really
thinking any of it, but I just suppose she is, or maybe it’s because I’m too
proud to simply sit down for the talk, with no judgements, and no pre-conceived
ideas and just reap the good information! Fortunately, I still can get through
the initial moments and start jotting down good pieces of advice on my journal! And that’s
what I did! Actually, when I start writing on my journal I usually can’t stop
until the talk is over! Even if it’s something I have made notes about a
hundred times before!
It was going more or less like this: me-non-stopping-writing
on my journal, when she stopped her line of thought to mention the example of
her friend! Well, that’s always refreshing! It is really something she got out
from her experience, and not only her knowledge! I will try to reproduce her
words.
“I know a family. They have five children! You know that
family that the kids are…. so beautiful! So well behaved!! Well, when I was a
young mom and she was a young mom, we were talking about how to discipline our
children. And I was saying how many rules we got, that we have to do this and
this. And she stopped me and said: in my house we only have two rules!
Cheerfulness and Obedience.”
And then she added that along the way, as she was trying to
see what works and what doesn’t work for her family, she often realized how
almost everything would go back to expect our children to be cheerful and
obedient at home!
_________________________
(Final Part)
On the next day after my recollection, the PMS wasn’t over
yet, but I was different somehow! I had my hopes high again, and at the
breakfast table I told Dan about what I have heard at recollection and that I
wanted to apply “cheerfulness and obedience” immediately with Rebecca! He
agreed and we openly talked to Rebecca about the new two rules of our house! She understood and she was
excited!!!
And it worked!!!
Cheerfulness and obedience are the two rules for the
children but I also would like to add two rules for the parents! Mommy and daddy, or nana, or teacher, or anyone who
is charge of some authority need these extra two rules, but to apply to
themselves, when disciplining children! They are: being loving but firm. I
highly believe in the efficiency of these four rules combined!
Finally, I would like to end with a few words that my mom
found on facebook and shared with me. The picture below was also included on
the post and it reminded me SO much of Rebecca and I together! She loves to
touch my hair! And the girl in the picture is just like Rebecca’s size and all!
It was just too perfect! Here are the wise words:
"Breathe. You'll be a mother for all your life.
Teach the important things. The truth.
To jump puddles, to watch the animals,
to give butterfly kisses and to hug very strongly.
Do not forget to hug and don’t ever deny it.
Maybe in a few years, the hugs you will miss
Will be the ones you didn’t give.
Tell your child how much you love her, every time you
think about it.
Let her use her imagination. Imagine together with her.
Walls can be painted again,
things that are broken can be replaced.
But the mother's screams will remain.
You can often do the dishes later.
While you clean, they grow.
She doesn’t need many toys. Work less and love more.
Less gifts and more presence! And, above all, breathe.
You will be a mother for all your life.
She will be a
child only once. " (Unknown Author)
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